Happy Holidays

The holidays are here! Its hard to believe that the day to day business of life can add up to so many month--so quickly!--since my last post.

My days have been filled with work in my practice of psychotherapy, and also with increasing responsibility for my elderly parents. I'm aware that my children are watching me assume the role of caring for my parents. It's important to me that they witness the cycle of life that starts with parents caring for children, and ends with children caring for parents. I want them to learn that it's all in the name of love, and love is what makes a family, whether it's a biological family or a chosen family of friends.

I'm learning first-hand how important self-care is for caretakers. I've been trying to eat healthily, but sometimes it's hard to find time to sit down and have a meal. Eating on the run is usually not a good idea, as it just leads to more stress, like spilling things or not being mindful of the food we eat. Not making time for exercise is also a bad idea, as stress builds up in the body and needs to be released physically. I exercise to MANAGE STRESS!!! Some days all I have time for is a 20 second downward dog, but even that can be a lifesaver to me. And taking time to think or read--quiet time--is also such an important way to balance the stress of having to be "on call" for loved ones.

So this holiday season, I'm going to focus on appreciating my body and myself more. I think this is an important part of self-care. We may not look like the "perfect" ideal that we see in magazines, but we look perfectly like ourselves, and that's got to be okay. Sometimes the stress of the holidays can throw us off track. We make the holidays lovely for our families and friends, and that's wonderful--but let's not forget about making the holidays lovely for ourselves! Take time to eat healthily. Take time to exercise. Take time for yourself. Go out to lunch or tea with your girlfriends. Buy yourself a little treat when you're shopping for everyone else. Luxuriate in a bubble bath at the end of a long day. Have your partner or good friend massage your feet. Make self-care a holiday present for yourself. And don't forget, your daughters are watching--and learning from--you.

I WISH A PEACEFUL HOLIDAY SEASON TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

All best,

Jill

A Spring Reflection

It's spring, and like many people, I've been thinking alot about fresh starts. Specifically, I've been thinking of the fresh starts that parents and children make together. Our babies are born and they change our lives in so many ways. As children grow up, parents are faced with the difficult task of guiding them and at the same time letting them find their own selves, their own destinies. And sometimes things go off track so that we have to help them pick up the pieces and move on to a stronger place. It is daunting to be a parent, especially when your child is troubled.

I talk to girls all day, write about issues that girls deal with--and yet I have raised 3 wonderful sons, not daughters. And all of them have faced challenges. My oldest son is actually a stepson, and he struggled to find a career path. He majored in political science, then got an M.F.A., then worked as a firefighter and a paramedic--and is now a married father of an adorable son, and is happy and successful as a goldsmith and jewelry designer. Everything worked out. My 2 younger sons have also dealt with different issues, and have emerged as grounded, secure, thoughtful young men who are at the cusp of their adulthoods. They are on their way, their eyes are bright.

But each relationship has changed and grown throughout the years. There have been numerous new beginnings. And I think this is true for many parents. Sometimes, lots of advice and direction is needed, as can be the case when your child is struggling . Sometimes, it's better to be quieter and more of a listener to your child as she tries to figure things out.

In any case, it's impossible to be a perfect parent. It's impossible to be omnipotent and all-knowing when it comes to your children. It's impossible to shield them from harm's way. I often tell parents that when their child is struggling, that things usually work out fine if the child gets what she needs. In other words, perfection isn't necessary, but letting a child know that she is loved and giving her the resources she needs to tackle her problem is something parents can do to encourage success.

So if you think your daughter is not responding to you in the positive way she used to, try a new beginning. Ask her if she could change something about your relationship, what would it be? That can be a good starting place to talk about how things are going between the two of you, and what improvements can be made. Your daughter may ask for things that you can't or won't be able to change, but the dialogue can open up more positive, honest communication.

If things aren't going well between you and your daughter and she won't talk to you, don't let fights and bad feelings linger. Set a limit if you have to, and stick to it. Then go bake her some cookies or bring home a book she might like from the library. And don't forget to pick up some tulips for yourself on your way home!